


Boys Night Out.

by BarPurple



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Awkward Castiel, Comedy, Drinking, Gen, Heaven, Hell, Male Bonding, Suggestive Themes, Swearing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 07:27:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4513137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarPurple/pseuds/BarPurple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This had to be the worst thing Sam had ever faced, but like the good brother he was he was going to throw himself on that grenade. <br/>The problem - Dean Winchester was bored.<br/>The solution - a long, lost weekend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set in the mythical, yet possible future where Hell is sealed, Heaven is behaving itself and the monsters are quiet.  
> The tags might look grim at the moment, but just for once, things are going to get so much better. Really.

Heaven was at peace. It was all unity in the land of harps and halos since the intervention with the angels. You could say what you like about therapy, but Sam Winchester would never nay-say it because he’d seen it work on a huge scale. Castiel wasn’t exactly in charge, but he kept the Host on the right track, which meant angels, all angels, stayed Upstairs and watched over humanity instead of wearing them.

Hell was so chilled that snowballs stood a fair chance Downstairs now. The Gates were sealed with the majority of hell spawn inside, of course Crowley still let the odd crossroads demon visit Up Top, but they were under a scary set of restrictions so they never caused much hassle. Crowley in charge had been a bit of a worry, but as long as there were humans dumb enough to summon demons, well, better the devil you know.

For once the fall out of a cosmic upheaval had been positive. Monsters of all kinds had decided to lay low for the rest of eternity. The supernatural scene was so quiet not a week went by when Sam didn’t hear of at least one hunter who’d finally got the apple pie life. He never thought he’d see the day when hunters could retire to Civve Street and make an honest go of a normal life.

Sam hoped the others were adjusting better than Dean. The elder Winchester was restless and that meant that they were burning through more ammo now than they ever had when they were hunting full time. Dean spent hours in the shooting range and to be honest Sam considered that the healthiest of his brother’s coping mechanisms. 

It had sort of made sense when Dean cleaned and serviced and sharpened all the weapons in the Bunker. Sam recognized that as his bother working with his hands so he didn’t have to deal with his emotions. In hindsight he should have been worried when Dean then catalogued everything and created a filling and storage system, but Sam had been far too impressed to listen to the faint alarm bells ringing at the back of his mind.

When Dean went into Martha Stewart overdrive in a quest to bake the perfect pie Sam didn’t worry too much about his brother’s emotional well-being. He was more worried about hitting the gym enough to burn the calories off; Dean’s pies tasted even better than his burgers. 

The baking shifted seamlessly into cleaning everything. Dean now knew the Bunker inside out because he’d cleaned every inch of it twice. Sam crossed his fingers and hoped that this was Dean finally settling into their new way of life by hyper-nesting. Yeah Sam didn’t need hindsight to tell him he was clutching at straws with that one. 

The absolute final straw was when Dean hit the books. Sam had always believed that Dean was better at lore than him, it was just Dean had no patience for research. Dean defiantly had no interest in technology beyond the internal combustion engine, he was tech savvy enough to surf the web but that was it. So when Sam walked in on his brother using the scanner to digitize the old books of lore in the library he thought he was hallucinating. Finding that Dean was sticking to the archive system Sam had come up with was even more troubling, but seeing the smile on Dean’s face as another book turned into ones and zeros was enough to make Sam snap.

“Enough! I can’t take this anymore! We need a night out. Actually we need a weekend out.”

Dean, looking faintly puzzled at his little brother’s outburst, slowly put the book he’d been holding down on the table and shut down the scanner. His arms crossed over his chest and his head tilted to one side he finally asked;

“What’s the plan then, Sammy?”

There was a glint in Sam’s eye that was probably from the lightbulb moment occurring in his brain. He knew just what his brother needed.

“We’re going on a bender, but first we need to pick up the guys.”


	2. Chapter 2

Sam knew Dean had numbers for the bitchfaces he pulled, but what Dean didn’t know is Sam had a similar system for Dean’s faces. The one he was on the receiving end of now was number 15 – Have you gone insane? Usually it was coupled with something like…

“Sammy, are you high? You realize that you are everyone I know that still has a pulse and is on Earth?”

Yeah, that was a perfect Dean number 15. Sam was feeling giddy with excitement and he may have bopped Dean on the nose, which probably wouldn’t help his claims of sobriety. 

“I know, but we aren’t staying on Earth. I have a plan brother mine.”

Dean’s eyebrows couldn’t have gone any higher without leaving his face. He took a step towards Sam and started feeling his head. Sam shook him off.

“Dean I haven’t banged my head and I’m not high.”

Dean was still in big brother mode trying to check Sam’s pupils. Sam bent his knees and brought his head lower than Dean’s. The little dig at his shorter brother earned him a ding around the head.

“The only way I’m high is from the lingering fumes of the cleaning products you used in this place.”

Dean finally grinned.

“Hey, it’s got to be better than funky motel smells.”

“True, but it might be better for our sinuses if you don’t mix so many different brands next time?”

Dean just shrugged, which Sam figured was at least a partial agreement since there was no way Dean would admit he was wrong. He could practically see Dean mulling over the previous conversation.

“You gonna tell me this great plan of yours then? 

“Get a shower, try and pretty yourself up I need to make a few calls then we are going out.”

As Dean ambled away muttering something about how pretty he already was, Sam fished his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through to the C’s. Where to start, Up or Down? An extra flash of brilliance flashed into Sam’s head and added itself perfectly to his almost plan. Suddenly he knew where they were going to end up and that solved the problem of who to call first. He started dialling as he jogged along to the weapons room to pack a bag of supplies.


	3. Chapter 3

Crowley was wandering along the queues in Hell. It had become a bit of a habit, initially because he liked the suffering of the souls. Don’t judge, this is the King of Hell after all. Lately it had become because he was bored. Hell was running perfectly and sweet mother of sin was that dull.

“Hey, there’s a queue here! You can’t push in like that!”

Crowley smiled at the indignant voice coming from behind him; maybe there was still some fun to be had in the Pit. He turned around very slowly wearing the perfect ‘who me?’ look on his face. Ah wonderful a big, burly Brit who mistakenly thought he was still a top dog. Crowley let the guy start to bluster and then slowly he let his eyes turn red. The idiot didn’t back down.

“Is having blinged up red eyes supposed to make you special, y’wanker.”

Oh this was just too good to be true. Crowley flicked his hand at the idiot and he rose up six inches from the floor. Taking calm and measured steps toward his new favourite chew toy the Crowley softly said;

“I am the King of Hell and you are about to enter a whole new world of pain.”

The souls at ground zero tried to shuffle away from the idiot.

“A-ha, nobody move. I always work better with an audience.”

The hapless souls found themselves forced to turn to face the action. The idiot was still trying to look brave. Crowley could almost admire him, almost.

“I don’t care what you’re king of. I hate royalty me.”

“You do know that you’re in Hell don’t you?”

“Thought it was the queue for the job centre.”

Crowley blinked hard.

“I can’t tell if that’s bravado or stupidity.”

While he was deciding how to torture this idiot Crowley let him spin gently around like a top. He’d just come up with something deliciously cruel when his phone rang. He rolled his eyes at the idiot, and because the guy looked a bit narked Crowley also mouthed sorry. The caller ID made a flash of interest dance over his features. Taking a breath he hit answer call.

“Moose! How’s life in the slow lane?”

“ _Crowley, how do you fancy getting out of Hell for a while?_ ”

“Tempting, but it is a busy time down here. End of the financial year, lots of desperate stock brokers and CEOs.”

“ _Dean is driving me insane, so we’re going on an epic night out and I thought you might like in._ ”

“Hum, hang on Moose.”

The idiot was mouthing off again, something about talking to his boyfriend when he should be fighting. Crowley silently pointed at the phone in his hand and then clicked his fingers. Idiot’s tongue snaked out of his mouth and tied itself in a neat double bow. With a satisfied grin Crowley put his cell phone back to his ear.

“Sorry about that Moose. So you think raising a little Hell and tearing up the town will make Squirrel less squirrely?”

Crowley nodded as Sam explained his plan, idly making idiot spin faster and faster as his own grin got bigger and bigger.

“Moose I do believe you’ve just had your one great idea. Give me an hour to get supplies and then do the summoning spell.”

Crowley rang off and dropped his phone into his pocket. The way he rubbed his hands together in glee made the assembled souls cringe. Their movement reminded him what he had been doing and with a careless wave of his hand he gave Idiot a more suitable form.

“Jarvis!”

In less than a second Crowley’s new personal assistant popped up by his side. The demon’s name wasn’t Jarvis it was, something unimportant that Crowley hadn’t bothered to learn, but the toady didn’t appear to care what he was called and was ridiculously good at his job.

“You called Sire?”

“Hell’s on full lockdown. I’m going out.”

“Very good Sire.”

Crowley stared at the little demon, curiosity and suspicion vying for dominance on his face.

“You’re not going to ask where I’m going or when I’ll be back.”

Jarvis made a note of something on his ever present clipboard.

“As I am neither Sire’s spouse nor parent I don’t think I will ask anything of the sort.”

Crowley laughed and slapped Jarvis on the shoulder.

“What would Sire like done with that?”

Jarvis’ tone suggested that the cat had just dragging in something unpleasant. Crowley looked down at Idiot, who now resembled a cross between a bat and a pig with a large dollop of unknown thrown in for good measure.

“Give it to the Hellhounds. If they don’t eat it we’ll think of something to do with it.”

The souls in the queue flinched as Crowley strolled pass. The King of Hell humming a jaunty tune is more torture than most souls can bear.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam was sporting a grin worthy of the Cheshire Cat by the time he’d finished talking to Crowley. The fact that Crowley had given him what sound like a genuine compliment made Sam think that this plan was happening just in time. If Crowley was even half as bored as Dean then all Hell could in actual fact break loose. Still, all go for phase one of Plan Awesome, yes that’s what Sam was calling it in his head and red hot pokers would not get him to admit it out loud.

The out of tune wailing carrying along the Bunker’s pipes told Sam that Dean was indulging in a long shower, so at least he was taking the going out thing seriously. Listening for a moment Sam judge that the howling, aka his brother’s singing, was a tortured version of Ramble On. That gave him at least another twenty minutes before Dean emerged from the bathroom. Just enough time to get phase two in motion and get himself changed.

Dean’s new organization had made loading the weapons bag as easy as pie. Chuckling to himself at his choice of phrase Sam bounced out of the weapons store towards his room and started making the second call.


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel had been given an office in Heaven. For reasons he couldn’t quite put into words he had found the concept restrictive and depressing. He had spent a lot of time in his favourite heaven, but a constant string of angels bringing him reports had taken the simple pleasure from the place. Joshua had made it clear that while he enjoyed Castiel’s company, he didn’t appreciate the Garden hosting the Host’s heated debates. Cas had nodded his head wearily and started wandering the individual heavens in an attempt to find a little peace.

Finally he’d hit on the idea of office hours. He forced himself to spend time in his annoyingly sterile office on the understanding he was unavailable the rest of the time. It sort of worked, mostly. 

Finally the last report bearing angel left clicking the door shut behind her. Cas placed his hands on the desk in front of him and counted to one hundred. He let out a heartfelt groan and dropped his head on to his desk. Dean had once told Crowley that Hell was simple. Cas wondered how easy the King of Hell was finding the new status quo. Personally he found himself wanting to try shower sex to see how Dean’s definition of complicated compared to running Heaven. 

When his phone started ringing Cas banged his head off the desk a few times. He didn’t bother to lift his head as he fumbled to find the handset of the phone that lived on his desk. He got it to his ear and tried to shake the weary tone from his voice.  
“Hello?”

“ _Hey Cas. Are you okay?_ ”

The sound of Sam Winchester’s voice had Cas sitting bolt upright so fast he pulled the base unit of the phone off the desk.

“Sam. I’m fine. How are you and Dean?”

“ _Dean’s got a bad case of cabin fever I have a plan and I need your help man._ ”

For the first time in what felt like an eternity Castiel smiled, a genuine happy smile that caused his eyes to sparkle.

“Of course Sam. Tell me what you need.”

As the younger Winchester outlined his plan the tension eased out of Castiel’s posture. The angel sat straighter and looked at ease in his vessel. The lines that stress had creased into his face relaxed and were replaced by the familiar laughter crinkles at the corners of his eyes. Castiel felt like himself again.

“It will take me a little while to organize everything. I’ll meet you at the first bar.”

“ _Great see you soon Cas. And Cas thanks for this.”_

“Trust me Sam, it’s my pleasure.” 

Cas hung up and thought for a second. Yes, this would work. 

“Hannah!” 

His right hand angel spent most of her time in her angelic form, or as a disembodied consciousness, but when she and Cas spoke privately she manifested in the form of her earthly vessel. 

“Castiel, you sound much happier. What did the Winchesters want?” 

Cas turned and stared at Hannah in amazement, partially because she’d known who he had been talking to, but mostly because she was naked, again. Hannah often forgot about human clothing conventions. Cas swallowed and raised his gaze to the ceiling, the desire to experiment with shower sex pushed its way to the front of his mind and was making new suggestions. 

“Oh, clothes. I do forget. Is this better Castiel?" 

Cas risked a quick glance at Hannah and raised his eyebrows. The clothing she had chosen to wear looked familiar to Castiel, but he dismissed it, he had plans to put in motion. 

“Hannah we are going to host a celebration and I need your help getting everything ready.”

Hannah listened and made a few suggestions. Once all of the plans were fleshed out she walk passed Castiel to a closet and reached inside. 

“Since you’re going Earth side you’ll have need of this.” 

Cas smiled softly when he saw what she had retrieved, it was his tan trench coat. She handed it to him grinning as he started to put it on. 

“Thank you Hannah. Erm, for future reference I think human women normally only wear that sort of thing under their clothing, or in intimate situations.” 

Hannah paused at the door and looked back over her shoulder. 

“I know that.” 

The movement of her muscles caused the sheer fabric of the negligée to move in a very interesting way. All higher function in Castiel’s mind froze and he stood staring with his trench coat only half on. He’d just remembered why that outfit looked familiar. Hannah smiled and left the office, leaving Castiel blinking at the door. 

“Oh. Oh. I really need to talk to Dean.” 


End file.
